maandag 2 juli 2012

Sophia Tolstoj -- 3 juli 1901

3 July 1901
Something frightful is drawing near, and although everyone anticipates it yet it is utterly unexpected when it comes—it is death, and the death of someone whose life means far more to me than my own, because I have lived exclusively through Lyouochka [Tolstoi] and the children he has given me ... Yesterday morning I was putting a hot compress on his stomach when he suddenly gazed intently at me and began to weep, saying: 'Thank you Sonya. You mustn't imagine that I am not grateful to you or that I don't love you...' And his voice broke with emotion and I kissed his dear familiar hands, telling him what pleasure it gave me to look after him, and how guilty I felt when I could not make him completely happy, and begging him to forgive me for being unable to do so. Then we both wept and embraced. For such a long time my soul has yearned for this—a deep and serious recognition of our closeness over the thirty-nine years we have lived together.

[In late june 1901, two months before Tolstoy turned 73, he was diagnosed with malaria. It was a severe case and he had heart problems as well.]

Sofja Andrejewna Tolstaja (1844-1919) was de echtgenote van de Russische schrijver Leo Tolstoj. Gedeeltes uit haar dagboeken zijn gepubliceerd in The diaries of Sofia Tolstoy.

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