woensdag 22 oktober 2014

Richard Grayson -- 23 oktober 1971

• De Amerikaanse schrijver Richard Grayson (1951) houdt al bijna zijn leven lang een dagboek bij. Fragmenten uit de jaren '70 staan hier online.

Saturday, October 23, 1971
Things are really hard for me. I cry all the time. This morning I was crying soon after I woke up. Dad walked into my room and said, “Those who try to get sympathy only get contempt.”

That made me feel even worse and I just lay in bed until noon, crying, only softly, muffling myself with my pillow. Dad said I’m too old to cry (“You’re going to be 21”), but I think I’ve just gotten old enough to be hurt badly enough to cry this much.

My cold has now broken out and my nose is all stuffed. I just don’t feel like living anymore. I want to die.

Yesterday I went to Kings Plaza and got my horoscope from a computer. It read: “Your love life will change for the better in all respects . . . Beware of close friends, rainy streets, and extracurricular activities . . . Forget the past: You are on the right track. Stay there.”

It sounds favorable, but I have no desire to see if any of it comes true. I don’t think I’ve ever been this unhappy. Unlike what Dad thought, I’m not crying for sympathy, I’m crying because that’s what I feel like doing.

Get a hold of yourself, I tell myself, and I do, for a couple of hours, and then – pow! – it hits me and I get sick or have an anxiety or just feel so damn lonely. It seems that everyone has someone but me.

I dragged myself to the movies and even saw Boys in the Band for the third time; it does improve with age. Alice called when I arrived home; she’s a good friend. She said there’s nothing I can do about Shelli except leave her alone to make up her mind.

But while cleaning my room, Gisele said I should sleep with Shelli “since you can’t really lose anything anymore.” She laughed when I asked if she knew any voodoo curses and then told me about a spurned wife she knew back in Haiti who put a curse on her husband and another woman so they “stuck together like dogs” when they had sex and couldn’t be pried apart.

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