Thursday 19 July. Sad heartless fruitless times. Some short & precious intervals have now & then occur'd, but for the most part since I wrote last my mind has been a chaos, a scene of darkness & confusion. I have daily experience that He who has begun the work of Grace in my heart is alone able to maintain it, & that in proportion as he withdraws my enemies immediately prevail – Conscie[n]tious compunctions, & resolutions are no more restraint to the power of indwelling sin when I am left to these helps, than the withe with which Sampson was bound were to the exercise of his strength. I have need to put my mouth in the dust & cry Unclean Unclean. Perhaps I have never found [commissions?] more active, & less spirit to resist & deny them since my first entrance upon this warfare, the consequence has been exceeding detrimental to my studies, gifts, comforts & usefulness – all these have been folly – this morning I have found some returning liberty to pray & mourn before the Lord, I hope it is an indication of better times, for whenever he disposes one to seek him, I am sure He is near & ready to be found of me; & I generally find all my other tempers & experiences to be proportionable to the spirit of my prayers, when this prayer is a burthen nothing does me good; but as long as the door of access is kept open & duly attended, I find the joy of the Lord to be my strength, & nothing is suffered to harm me. On the 7 inst I wrote a full account of my situation to Dr. Young, & entreated his good offices, receivd his answer two days since. I am encouragd by his approbation, but he cannot help me. I have only now to appeal to my Lord of [Canten?] & leave the issue with the Lord; for I think upon a refusal there which I am prepard to expect, that I will retract the pursuit, & take up the conclusion Mr. Romaine has already made for me, that it is not the will of God I should appear on that side.
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