I am apparently more useful than ever. The Bulgarian atrocity agitation was in a great measure my work. I have received the highest compliments from Gladstone, Freeman, W. E. Forster, John Bright and Lord Hartington. I have been praised beyond my utmost expectation. I believe that in God's hands I have been instrumental in doing much to prevent a great national crime, a war with Russia on the side of the Turks. New possibilities of usefulness open out. Life is once more brilliant as in the heroic days. Our time is as capable of Divine service as Puritan times. The agitation of this Recess has rekindled my faith in my countrymen, renewed my faith in Liberalism, strengthened my trust in God. For the Bulgarian agitation was due to a Divine voice. I felt the clear call of God's voice, "Arouse the nation or be damned". If I did not do all I could, I would deserve damnation.
[...]
I remember the images of wife and children rising up before me, destitute, widow and orphans. I thought of myself in gaol pining to death. I saw myself mobbed, murdered; and, I thought, all this may be, nay probably will be if you determine to resist the war passion with whole-souled energy. And then I thought the welfare of untold generations depends upon this. Millions of fellow creatures may be saved if you do your duty. You may lose but, to what extent you can, you must do it or betray your Christ. And then I thought of "He that loveth father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me". Shame was it that I ever had faltered. I chose death.
I well remember how strange I felt as I went to bed and saw Emma and the baby and thought how soon they might be mourning me. I even thought of Emma's means of livelihood, how much the sale of things would bring, and then I thought of the Father of the fatherless and these poor noble Russian volunteers. I read a chapter out of one of the minor prophets and was consoled. I never before found myself so distinctly and deliberately called upon to leave all and follow Him if He chose to call. Briefly, the results are:
(1) More confidence in God. (2) More faith in my countrymen. (3) More distrust of the newspapers. (4) More brotherly feeling towards the Church clergy as elements of the moral forces of the nation. (5) More intolerance of all that weakens the moral force whether it be Liberal crotchets, high falutin' (sic) "patriotism", sectarian divisions, mean jealousies, etc. (6) More intense conviction of the supreme importance of religious education, not merely of children but of adults. The honour of Bulgarian virgins is in the custody of the English voter. And what is true of Bulgaria is true of larger things. (7) More intense desire to stimulate all religious men and women, to inspire children and neighbours with sense of supreme sovereignty of duty, of the right. The safety of our Empire - which keeps the peace of one-sixth human race - depends upon our Sunday schools. (8) Realised more vividly than ever the incalculable importance of the individual. (9) Conviction that the keen sense of female honour is a more potent force to arouse man to generous action than any mere massacre. Hence lowering of sense of chastity the direct road to that apathy and selfishness which tends to national, imperial and individual ruin. Hence repeal C.D. Act and all that it implies a supreme duty, perhaps the most pressing duty of the time. (10) More earnest desire to make the profession of the Press the worthy leader of a regimented people. At present it does not lead, it follows, reluctantly. The higher element in the nation is badly represented in the Press.
A truth forcibly taught me is that all the joy of fame is to tell it to those you love. Reputation is a bubble, beautiful no doubt but it does little or nothing for you. I don't suppose that I shall be more profoundly pleased with anything as with Mr. Gladstone's letters, and yet how little they are to Emma's love. I must devote more time to her and to my family. Methodise more. Make her more of a companion and spend more time on my bairns. I must not work so much out of doors. Losing hold of the Howdon lads is a bad sign. Win them back. Be more careful to make worship pleasant and instructive. And to relieve Emma of worry during pregnancy. Believe it would be better to have a lot of children. Breeding of good citizens is the first duty of a citizen. With God above I go forward, trusting in Him and fearing nothing excepting shame at times, a kind of lingering muffled, half-hidden dread lest something might happen to Emma. I could spare a child, I sometimes feel, but, oh God, not my wife! But in this as in all things, His Will be done and if He should see fit to lay that heavy cross upon me, altho' (sic) I feel as if it would crush me outright, I doubt not but that He will give me strength to bear it.
Geen opmerkingen:
Een reactie posten