3/12/60
The way to overcome X is to feel (be) active, not passive. I feel anxious when the phone rings — therefore I don't answer or I get someone else to. The way to beat that is not to force myself to answer the phone. It is to make the calls myself.
I. [Irene] is a bully — tonight's episode with the glass in the kitchen. I feit hate for her.
Last weekend threw a switch, and rage + resentment started flowing. Hard to turn that off. Hence last night when I said in my drugged post-migraine sleep, "I hate your mind." I don't. I hate her.
The passivity of the last three months is broken. But instead there is an area of coldness, + rage in me.
I. drawing, surging now. So as not "to deprive rne of my reaction"? No apologies, no justifications. Just "I did it; it's what I wanted to do."
No such thing as a temptation. A temptation is a desire, a lust like any other — but one that we regret afterwards + wish undone (or that we know beforehand we will regret alter). So it's no excuse to say, "1 didn't mean to do it. I was tempted + I couldn't resist." All one can honestly say is, "I did it. I'm sorry I did it."
Feeling hurt is passive; feeling angry is active.
The source of depression is repressed anger. (I. says her father, a man of great rages, was never depressed.)
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